Wake Up Call

This was supposed to be a funny blog about losing my hair and gaining weight in my 40's. That was until I was sitting in work yesterday and started having chest pains. It was like a twisting twinge in the middle of my chest. I had pain, right under the middle interior of my pectoral muscles. I started getting nervous and sweating. OK, Calm down Marc, I said to myself. Lemme just call the doctor and make an appointment for the evening and just have her check me out. You are not having a heart attack, you are not having a heart attack.

I spoke with the nurse on duty at my doctor’s office and she ordered me to come in around 1 PM for a walk-in appointment. She said we shouldn’t wait until the evening. Get in here! She actually wanted me to go to the hospital. I convinced her that I didn’t feel it was a heart attack (yet) and would leave work in a bit.

I figured I would stay and finish up some case files. I could have stayed another hour but my mind was racing. Am I having a heart attack? Maybe it’s just angina. Maybe it’s just heartburn. Am I making this up? Now a dull pain right in the interior pectoral region. No, I’m wasn't making this up, but am I making much ado about nothing? I couldn’t concentrate. I got up and left work.

Speeding home in the car, I started thinking, what if I have a heart attack on the highway? I quickly glanced over to the mile markers. OK OK, I thought, remember which mile marker you are at in case you keel over and careen into the concrete median. I moved to the slow lane and drop my speed. The idea of careening into a concrete median was not appealing. I instead called everyone in my family to tell them of my impending doom.

Once at my doctor’s office, Dr. Melinda McGowan (or Rose McGowan, as I call her) saw me right away. (I call her Rose McGowan constantly even though she looks nothing like the actress. It is purely by accident. I must have called her that at least 50 times and she always laughs about it.) After a review of my symptoms, they did an EKG test on me. It came back completely normal. In fact, the only thing out of whack was extremely high blood pressure. After blood tests and stress tests, my doctor laid it on the line. I had to give up caffeine!

UGH! My friend Caffeine and I had to part ways. Luckily, it did not have to be an immediate break up. Rose McGowan said that I needed to wean myself off and that it could be a break up over time. She even said I could have one cup of coffee a day but had to give up large amounts of coffee. ice tea, sodas, energy drinks, and my Hydroxy Cut weight loss supplement.

So it looks like I will have to lose weight the old fashioned way by working out. UGH! And by working out, she meant actually physical exertion. I gave Rose McGowan a dirty look.

“So you mean shaking the martini shaker vigorously doesn’t count?”
She laughed, “No that doesn’t count. You need to work your little butt off!”
“What about taking out the garbage, that’s gotta count for something. The street is at least 50 feet from the house. “
“No!” Rose McGowan exclaimed. “Not unless you walk back and forth 200 times!”
“OK, OK, then,” I said. “Exercise it is.”

I also have to give up beer. From now on, unless it’s a special occasion, I need to stick with red wine and vodka. Well, I thought, that’s not so bad. I love red wine and vodka. I needed to replenish the family room bar anyway.

After blood work, I headed home, tempted to stop at Dunkin Donuts for a pick me up. No, I kept going. I just wanted to be home. I was a good boy, I passed by my friend Caffeine’s home and did not stop. I began thinking about my doctor’s visit. I was thankful that my diagnosis wasn’t the worst, but pissed at myself to even let myself slide down hill in terms of health. Dr. Rose McGowan said that while I wasn’t having a heart attack, if I didn’t give up my love affair with caffeine and change my sedentary ways, I would be a prime candidate for one a couple years down the road. And 30 is too young to have a heart attack. Oh yeah, you already know I'm in my 40’s. :-)  But still, too young for a heart attack.