Focused at Fifty

Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/green-tree-268533/ Aimless. I feel like I am adrift. Like a twig or stick thrown by a young child into that rushing torrent of a stream. The stick, being tossed to and fro in the froth of the current, still moves forward yet occasionally being stuck on a rock or a log across the stream. Eventually it is tossed free and continuing down the same path of life.  I sometimes feel that I am moving on a rather tedious day to day journey. Getting up, commuting, working, commuting, going to bed, rinse and repeat ... like a bad 80s shampoo commercial. Breck, Pert, Prell, name your choice. Hahaha. 😛 After all, it was Tony Soprano from the series, “The Sopranos”   who made a disturbingly accurate statement about life: “It’s all a series of distractions until you die." Well if that isn’t depressing, then I don’t know what is. I have always been very motivated with my writing, but not so much as of late. And it gets me very sad. Just no moti...

I have had writer's block as of late. My ideas have not flowed. My mind has been on other things these last couple months including family and home. This morning though, I decided to really learn about what's happening in Ukraine. I spent the morning going through the many articles and photos of Ukraine's invasion by Russia to get a complete understanding on the horrors of which are happening. I hit the major news outlets, liberal and conservative, and everything in between. After two hours of reading, listening and viewing, I felt compelled to write some thoughts about it and the state of our world and society. Our own small worlds will continue for now with the major disruption being higher priced goods and at the pump. And let's face it, it will not dissipate anytime soon. I am very angry and upset about the rising gas prices.  I am continuously making adjustments to my budget as I commute an hour a day each way to work. I am feeling the pinch as most of us are. Luck...

"Mt. Katahdin seen from Mt. Chase, Maine" What is my purpose in this life? What is your purpose? Have you figured it out? I surely have not. It worries me; this nagging in the back of my mind. What was I supposed to do on this Earth? What is my destiny? What is my calling? I feel sometimes like I am the only one wondering this. Does anyone else ask this question? Or feel as lost of I do? I am constantly busy: writing, my relationship, my friends, my family, taking care of Moxie Cat, antiques, regular work, my household, the Maine house, cataloging stuff, researching stuff. That's a lot and that sums it up but I worry that life is passing me by without making a difference for others.  What will I be known for? Will anyone truly care or remember what I have done? What is my legacy? I want to climb that mountain again and SCREAM, "Stop, Stop, STOP!!!! Stop this ticking clock from ticking till the end!" It's going too fast. Wasn't I just 25? Wasn't I jus...

There was this little tree. It grew from a concrete barricade in the middle of the road and I would pass it every morning coming off of the 78 highway in A-town. It was a desolate lonely little tree. One who glances at it may think of it more as a bush. But I know differently. I saw it from the very beginning and it was a little evergreen tree. And rising out of that cold concrete barricade, it stood as proudly as any tree ever could.  I smiled every time I saw it. It grew in a place where no little tree should grow. It grew against impossible odds, against harsh weather, harsh traffic and no soil. Starting as a small little sprout, it grew into a stubble, the then into the most perfect little which could ever grow from a stark concrete barricade. It oddly comforted me during my pandemic commute.  And then, true life happened and intervened. I drove past one morning and it had died. Was it the weather elements? The constant exhaust? The lack of water or soil? Possibly all thre...

I apologize for the delay on this piece. It was tough watching the videos and reliving the memories.  This 9/11 was the 20th Anniversary of the most horrific terrorist attack ever wagered against our great country. Let that sink in. It is still that horrific. Nothing before or ever after has equaled it. And with God's blessing, may nothing ever ever again.  Four close friends experienced that harrowing day first hand. All are still traumatized in their own way. I won't go into too much detail to preserve their anonymity. One is a business man who was in one of the World Trade Center buildings (not the Towers) that fateful morning and luckily was able to get out. One is a doctor who immediately helped out at the scene. One is a first responder who immediately raced to the complex to help out regardless of the danger he was putting himself in. My final friend is a former NYC business man who ran from his Wall Street office and was enveloped by the cloud of concrete dus...

As a child, I remember my mother was cooking in the kitchen on the stove, slowly stirring a small saucepan of Prego tomato sauce. I stood there right next to her, watching her intently. She moved the sauce onto a green avocado hot plate and turned off the electric burner, specifically warning me not to touch it as it was still hot. Being ever so precocious, I touched it immediately and howled in pain. For a good two weeks, I had first and second degree burns on my palm in the shape of the electric stove coils. You live and learn, right? Maybe not.  A waiter delivers my food in a restaurant and warns me that the plate is very hot as she puts it down in front of me. As soon as she leaves the table, I have this overwhelming urge to test her warning and touch it! I usually do and with my calloused fingers tips from decades of waiting tables, I laugh and scoff at her warning!  The other week I was baking these incredible triple chocolate brownies. For a split second, I forgot that ...

A bit ago, I was discussing a mutual acquaintance with someone and we talked about the very real issue of addiction among people we know. This acquaintance starts a job and then cannot follow through without whatever pain killer he takes. It eventually affects his ability to work and he just quits, unable to handle it. It was a sobering conversation. It was frank and uncomfortable.  The following blog is just my thoughts on the subject of addiction. At this juncture in my life, I am not looking for advice. Comments are always welcome.  I have complicated issues with alcohol. I've recently been pretty open about them. I don't look for sympathy from people. It is my own cross to bear. I will always have to watch what I drink. Something switches in me and I eventually become angry. I don't drink in the morning. I don't drink every day or night. I don't pass out from it at night. My issues stem from binge drinking so I have stopped doing the "shot" thing. No m...

I have had much to ponder about this past month, my 51st birthday month. This was a month which I was dreading all year long. It had nothing to do with the crazy Covid year. I quite simply was not looking forward to turning "51".  In retrospect, I was OK turning 30, 40, or 50. It was the year after which I had issues with. I think it's because it hit me that I was now in a new decade. I was 31, 41, or this year as the case may be, 51. It hits you and you realize, whelp ... there's no turning back now!  Another decade has sprung upon me! I was up in the new home in Maine this weekend, the Gardiner House as we call it. Built by Mr. Gardiner way back when in the late 1800s, it stands proudly with the test of time as well as a throwback to a far simpler time. it is not an overtly Victorian gingerbread but just a solid large farmhouse with an attached barn just a block from the town square. There is just a little gingerbread on the main side porch, suggesting a lace doily ...

https://www.pexels.com/photo/yellow-banana-fruits-on-brown-surface-5966630/ The article below is reprinted from the January 2020 Savory magazine which I always find in the local supermarket. I forget which one. Anyway, it's a great magazine and they have an online presence at Savoryonline.com .  What are some quick and inexpensive options?   Breakfast helps fuel a busy morning, so try your best to make it a priority. However, as a mom of a toddler, I know how hectic mornings can be. Try prepping your breakfast the night before. Overnight oats or a PB and J on whole wheat bread paired with a piece of fruit are quick, easy, and affordable options. -Holly  Setting the stage for the day with a balanced breakfast doesn't have to be complicated or expensive. Get the day started with toast or a waffle topped with peanut butter and a piece of fruit. Greek yogurt or even string cheese with a piece of fruit are also two great combinations for a nutritious start to your day. -Sarah...

"Cloud(ed) Memories" by Marc Haynes  I enjoy looking back at my 5 decades on this earth. I feel sometimes it’s been a whirlwind of memories and emotions. These days, those memories tend to get jumbled. I remember them pretty well but sometimes not without a discrepancy in detail or time. Did I go to Baltimore before San Francisco? What year was that? When was I last in Sedona? What was my one cat’s name back in childhood? Why did I not like that guy in college? What did he do to me to not like him so much? Does it even matter now? And you eventually realize, with a chuckle, that it does not. What matters are the good memories, and even the bad ones. And don’t forget those memories which you learned something from. That’s what shapes and molds us. Not the memory of that idiot roommate from freshman year in college.  We tend to get caught up in the details of it all. Does it matter when I went to Baltimore? I know that I went and had a blast. It was such a fun trip. John and I ...

Heartache. Heartbreak. We suffer loss. People pass away suddenly. People pass away over a long illness. Pandemics continue on. Pets pass away. Natural disasters strike. Man-made catastrophe strikes. Couples break up. Marriages end. Accidents happen. People lose their jobs. Mass shootings are now occurring again. Do I have your attention yet with this depressing intro? LOL  The year 2020 surely sucked with all of these. 2021 began not much better. I contracted Covid-19 in February. I survived but not without post Covid symptoms. Max the Cat passed away after a 4 1/2 month struggle with cancer. In these last two years, too many people passed away from Covid or other illnesses. Too many of our pets passed away as well.  I once mentioned before that my mother kept a paperback in her personal collection titled When Bad Things Happen to Good People  by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Anybody remember that one? She swore by it, well at least the title. I am still not convinced that she ac...

"Baxter State Park, Maine" What shall be my third act? Or what shall it become? Sure, one can guide one's life, but you never truly know what will happen. I had so many plans 3 plus decades ago. Most of which never came to fruition. One may think it's frivolous and a waste of time to try and figure out what I am going to do for the next 2-3 decades but you can still guide your life in a direction which brings you love, good friendship, integrity, respect and satisfaction.  You all know me, I'm just being my normal perhaps overly reflective self. 😏 My first act was childhood, school and my 20s. I lived my second act through my 30s and 40s. The third act will hopefully include Maine and making plans with the Big Ragu for the next two decades. Who knows after that? I do know that I want to become empowered with the decades that I have left.  Forgive me for the overtones of one's mortality. You notice I have not called it my FINAL act. And there may perhaps be a ...

"Tailored Fit? Not for us mmmLarges!" It has been a crazy several months, hasn't it? As I stated last month, I have gone through my share of ups and downs. After discussing it with people, I realize that a lot of us are in the same place. We feel like we are in a low point in their lives. How are we dealing with it? How can we can out of it? Commiseration definitely helps. So does some humor.  First things first, I am looking at a website and wanted more info emailed to me. To prove you are not a robot, you have to go through a security test of picking those pictures with cars, boats, stop signs, traffic lists etc. Know these? Yeah, it seems pretty easy but NOT. Am I the online one with has trouble with this stupid test? I see something sticking out from the boat and think, should I include that? Is it going into another picture block? In fact is that EVEN a boat? After further observation, I conclude that it is in fact NOT a boat and is a car carrier loaded with 4-door s...

"Peace in the Green Mountains of Vermont" Hello my good friends and readers! I have been lax in writing and just haven't been inspired as of late. In a mood and just blocked. I would get triggered by a topic and then get bored by it. I know I needed to get something out so I decided to give a few ramblings and musings of this last month. It's been kind of sucky.  Now listen, I know I am usually pretty happy go lucky. I like to think my glass is half full. I look for the positive in life and try and stay upbeat. I don't know what hit me but it sure clobbered me this month. My mood just started spiraling downwards. I think honestly, everything happening with COVID-19 just started getting to me. This sense of foreboding hopelessness.  And sometimes, we like to wallow in our self pity and moodiness. I certainly did. I just wanna recognize it though, confront it. Even the most positive of people have their down times. I am included in this. The one day I put up somethi...

Driving to meet the Big Ragu for a late evening beer on a beautiful Schuylkill County night. I roll down the windows, open the sunroof, favorite song playing 🥰. I can smell the impending thunderstorm. Ahhhhhh. I pass something quiçkly on the side of the road and dead deer smell engulfs the car. I start gagging and dry heaving all the way to the bar. Gotta love Skook County! 🙄😂😂😂

"Cheers to Focused at Fifty!" SO. Here was are and here we go again!  I'm on to a NEW DECADE. I am still living by the glass half full mantra. I am still the positive GOOFY happy-go-lucky guy you know. What has changed? Why the name change on the blog? Didn't I say I was GOOFY? I'm really a Pluto fan 💖. LOL But I'll still be Goofy. But now I am also "Focused at Fifty"! It was a tough decision. When I began this as "Frazzled at Forty", I truly was, but now that moniker, identity, and brand just doesn't fit me anymore. After countless hours of therapy (thank God for co-pays!) and just figuring myself the fuck out, I may still have my frazzled moments but I am not longer the epitome of "Frazzled at Forty". As we all do, I have evolved.  I cannot believe that I have had this blog for 10 plus years. It has been a wonderful journey. Yes, I do look back at what I've wrote before, and sometimes cringe. LOL. All good...

"Chippy" As I approach my 50th birthday during the Co-vid pandemic, my thoughts turn to how I have changed during this time. There are obvious changes such as my gut. LOL And then subtler changes such as an appreciation for the annual greening of the landscape during the Spring.  Some things are rather blunt such as:  I have enjoyed not seeing certain people. I absolutely miss seeing a lot of people I am close friends with.  I have enjoyed not having to hunt for my work ID. I have enjoyed not having to commute an hour each way. My 50th birthday is not what I thought it would be. LOL  I am extremely lucky and there are so many people who have it waaay more difficult than I.  I found out that Nala is a favorite dog name and it comes from the movie the Lion King. At least three friends have dogs named Nala and I still have yet to see the movie. LOL  Did I mention the beer belly?  I have realized that the idea of "celebrity, rich and fa...