Relationship Collateral Damage

"The Break-up"

Blogger's note: Names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals mentioned.

Why is it that when a couple breaks up, more often that not mutual friends and family become relationship collateral damage? Obviously, it is in our very nature to side with those we are closest with. This rarely talked about part of the breaking up affects the closest friends and family members. Unfortunately this part of it seems to be a constant and very difficult to overcome.

When a break-up occurs, who do you go with?  We as friends and family also suffer. One strives to remain neutral but it can get very awkward dancing the dance between the former couple. It just may not be possible to remain friends with both. You subtly realize who your allegiance is to and to whom your loyalty lies. One tries to remain Switzerland but sometimes it just is not possible. And then suddenly you find that you've chosen or have to choose.

If you are striving to remain neutral and let the couple "figure" things out, it doesn't mean that you like the other person any less, but you realize that you have naturally gravitated towards that one side. And thus, your friendship with the other person has become "relationship collateral damage."

Fortunately sometimes, it is black and white. I am reminded of a college friend Mr. Big Guy, who divorced his wife. I had met her once, became friends with her on social media, and supported their mutual business together in NYC. After finding out they had divorced, I dropped  my connection with the now ex-wife on all counts. It just was not appropriate anymore.

Mr. Big Guy, who is among the most respectful of my friends, said to me, "Ya didn't have to do that bro." I responded to him that I had known him for 25 plus years and I did have to do that, for our friendship. It was the right thing to do. My loyalties lay with him. He appreciated it. And believe me, I am sure his ex didn't give it a much thought. I don't plan on ever speaking or seeing her again. No loss on my part.

My friend Sharon Stonehenge is another example. I was always closer friends with Sharon. We had much more in common than I did with her other half. My internal discussion in terms of who I would "go" with was an easy one. Without even thinking, I knew it was Sharon. BUT, I have strove to remain social friends with her ex, Morty Hausenhoffer.

I see Morty out from time to time and have once ever so briefly acknowledged the break-up but we don't talk about it in depth. I think he appreciates a friendly face and just someone to have a drink with. I will never consider Morty a close friend though. We both know that, and it's OK. That spot is reserved for Sharon Stonehenge.

My final example involves my friend Ceecee A. Young and her boyfriend Mr. Wentworth McGillicuddy. It was wonderful seeing them together as a couple and I celebrated that. Over the last several years I have come to enjoy Ceecee's company and I always have a great time seeing her out. She and I are about the same age and have bonded over life's experiences and our similar career choices.

I had also become closer with Wentworth. He and I had the most wonderful conversations, very deep ones. Anyone who knows me knows I love a good deep philosophical discussion. I looked forward to having more of them with him. Then the break-up occurred.

From my observational opinion, it was deeply painful for Ceecee. I honestly hadn't discussed it with Wentworth but I had initially made a point to Ceecee that I wanted to remain friends with both of them. She had stated she hoped I would and had no issue with us remaining friends.

As time has moved on, I found my loyalty gravitating organically towards Ceecee. It was nothing personal against Wentworth. Ceecee and I were friends first, have more in common, and I still see her far more often than I saw him. I was upset for the break-up but wished happiness for both of them in their future relationships. If two people are not meant to be together then they deserve to find happiness with others. The hurt is there though and for now, that saddens me.

Privately, Wentworth and I did acknowledge the break-up via private social media and how it just sucked that we would not see each other as often anymore. Our lives are very busy and it would not be too often that our paths would cross again. He understood I would remain good friends with Ceecee.

The other evening, I ran into Wentworth at a local bar. It was initially awkward for me but after a hug, we briefly discussed the break-up and the unintended effects of it on other friends included, not just me. I had not meant to choose one or the other but it's happened. I will always say hi to Wentworth with a smile and a hug. Perhaps in the future, we can continue our long great conversations over a cold one and a shot.  I hope so. I am happy I got that resolved.

I try to have no disrespect to the other party but it often becomes different, uncomfortable, awkward. It helps to have a discussion with the other person acknowledging the situation as I did with Wentworth. It helps to get through it. It will be easier for social interactions hopefully from then on in.

The other party also must accept that they will not see parents and family members as often anymore. You may have become close with them but when the break-up occurs, interactions will become few and far between if nonexistent.  It just sucks.

But we are adults. We must face it and accept it. It's painful and you have to realize THIS IS LIFE. Break-ups are not wrapped up in pretty little packages with fancy bows. They are uncomfortable at it's easiest and nasty and horrible at it's worst. There is a lot of pain that is caused. I'm not even getting into the reasons behind the break-up in the first place!

What is the fallout? The fall out is that a relationship has irrevocably broken up. Some people will obviously and understandably takes sides. Others still try and tow the narrow line, ride the middle. Sometimes this works. It is very admirable and God bless those that can pull it off. But in all honesty and reality, this often fails.

One can try and be the bigger person and rise above the "drama of it all" but it is more natural that you gravitate towards one more than the other. You are a friend caught up in their break-up, and you are human. It is normal so don't be too hard on yourself if you find yourself an example of "relationship collateral damage." Remember that we are all doing our best to stumble through this thing called life.