Thoughts at 51: The Gardiner House

I have had much to ponder about this past month, my 51st birthday month. This was a month which I was dreading all year long. It had nothing to do with the crazy Covid year. I quite simply was not looking forward to turning "51". 

In retrospect, I was OK turning 30, 40, or 50. It was the year after which I had issues with. I think it's because it hit me that I was now in a new decade. I was 31, 41, or this year as the case may be, 51. It hits you and you realize, whelp ... there's no turning back now!  Another decade has sprung upon me!

I was up in the new home in Maine this weekend, the Gardiner House as we call it. Built by Mr. Gardiner way back when in the late 1800s, it stands proudly with the test of time as well as a throwback to a far simpler time. it is not an overtly Victorian gingerbread but just a solid large farmhouse with an attached barn just a block from the town square. There is just a little gingerbread on the main side porch, suggesting a lace doily a lady might wear back then for church. 

The Gardiner House stands there like a grand dame matriarch of a farming family. No, she is not the purple gabled Queen Anne manse across the street. She is a solid lady, rambling with rooms built for that growing farming family. Now she will rest easy, be pampered, and be decorated with antiques aplenty.

I stood in the kitchen listening to classical music, sipping a glass of red wine while making the Big Ragu a meal of Maine long-neck clams and linguine in a spicy homemade red sauce. I paused just to take in everything happening to me. A thought entered my mind. 

It is at this point in my life that I really feel where I've always wanted to be. I am satisfied, happy and fulfilled. I was just really overwhelmed with this feeling. I was finally where I wanted to be. I sighed, sipped my wine and was content.

I also have this new found freedom with turning 51. One doesn't have to apologize for or explain who they are.  The desire to overtly please is gone. Poof. Vanished. I thought I needed to for the longest time. To explain who I was, my history, certain parts of myself, the decisions that I've made. But I don't! 

If people don't like it, I  move on. My life is not theirs. As long as I don't hurt someone, I don't have to explain or apologize myself to anyone! And guess what that brings ... COMPLETE FREEDOM. 

Toxic people are released. No questions, no explanation. But if you insist, I will tell you. I really don't have the time. Time is so limited. Especially when getting older. There is still so much to do! We realize how important it is to make the right decisions. To weed out the BS, the silly stuff, the meaningless fluff. We focus on what's important and on those around us which mean the most. 

I know what I like and I'm finally at peace with my choices in life. It seems laughably simple but it hasn't been for all of us. We still go through periods of insecurity. It's human nature. I found out that I am still insecure about certain relationships. And I'm working on it. 

As my good friend Grilla once stated so profoundly, we are progress, not perfection. That's a mantra I wear not as an excuse but now as a way of life. I acknowledge my flaws, accept them, and work on them. One of the wonderments of life is finding that I still have so much to learn. I am in awe over it. 

I'm also done with labels. I am done with the committing to one group or cause. I don't have to talk about my life if I don't want to. That is my prerogative. Guess who I am? I am Marc. And don't worry. I will still be the good boy that my parents raised. This apparently pisses ALOT of people off. I am sick of being pigeon-holed. That's one way to spark my ire. Just let me be and be whom I want to be. I've friggin' earned it. 

At 51, I choose to just be Marc Haynes. And that's who you'll be friends with. There are so many facets to myself, I don't feel I need to be part of any one group and live by that group. I just want to be the damn best person and the most genuinely nice person I can be. 

This past month I am finally starting my memoirs after decades of research and taking notes, I am blessed with the Big Ragu to help guide me and journey with me through life, I am beginning a new life phase with the Gardiner House in Maine, and I am making plans for my post-Domestic Relations life. It just gives me such a sense of calm.

Sad things happen of course with Max the Cat passing away this year. We still have twin sister Moxie who has come out of her shell and is more loving than ever. But as I look around this large wonderful Maine home, I realize that I am finally at where I want to be in my life. 

Yes there could always be changes, always dreams. I'd love to be just a full-time writer and we're working on that as well. There are still dream trips I'd love to make to Scotland and Italy. I'll settle for Maine and still staying state-side for now. And maybe even another kitty cat is somewhere in our future!

But perhaps the biggest thing is that I am finally content with where I am in life. I am blessed. Anything else is just gravy. (But of course, who secretly doesn't want more gravy?)