Our Legacy

"Mt. Katahdin seen from Mt. Chase, Maine"

What is my purpose in this life? What is your purpose? Have you figured it out? I surely have not. It worries me; this nagging in the back of my mind. What was I supposed to do on this Earth? What is my destiny? What is my calling? I feel sometimes like I am the only one wondering this.

Does anyone else ask this question? Or feel as lost of I do? I am constantly busy: writing, my relationship, my friends, my family, taking care of Moxie Cat, antiques, regular work, my household, the Maine house, cataloging stuff, researching stuff. That's a lot and that sums it up but I worry that life is passing me by without making a difference for others. 

What will I be known for? Will anyone truly care or remember what I have done? What is my legacy?

I want to climb that mountain again and SCREAM, "Stop, Stop, STOP!!!! Stop this ticking clock from ticking till the end!" It's going too fast. Wasn't I just 25? Wasn't I just 35? 45?

How much time do I have left? Is it enough to still make a difference? Or has my ship sailed? I worry so that now is the dreaded slippery downslope and any chance that I had to try and make a difference in this world is gone. I have this lost empty feeling sometimes in the pit of my stomach. 

What do I have to show for all my battles, my losses, my triumphs, my ups and my downs? What happened? Where did it all go. And it went all so so fast. I am in shock sometimes. My 30s and 40s flew by and I felt like my eyes were closed, or at least its a blurriness whizzing by my eyes, feelings of good times and bad times. And here I am, 51 .. wondering what my legacy will be...

Sometimes I wish I could be that person, just watching TV day in and day out, eating fast food, shopping daily at Walmart, never thinking of this shit. Looking at reruns of 80s and 90s sitcoms endlessly.  But that's not me. I need more. I need to have a purpose and I have always needed to make a difference.  

I look outside and see the winter trees by my window. It's strangely beautiful, but they're just cold, trees blowing in the wind. No growth. Just hibernation, silent hibernation. I need my Spring time back. I need that motivation to regrow and push me forward. I cannot wait until Spring. I need it for my own mental sanity. Where is my Spring? It just cannot wait until mid-March. 

I glance outside again, I see snowfall. Is it sleet? No, it is the tears clouding my vision. I am 51 years, so fast. Surrounded by the trappings of a successful life but with no intrinsic value. My tears come from regret, self-disappointment, wrong decisions.

At the very least, I have been a good person. I champion the weak, the meek, those that need help. I challenge the bully, the narcissist, the self-serving. Perhaps the measure of my life will be seen as what I have done for my fellow man. Whatever accolades or awards I may feel I should have received are actually mute. 

What does become important and for my own sense of personal worth may depend on what I have and can do for my fellow man. Or even, my fellow animal (I love donating to SPCA). It comes from how have I helped others in everyday life. 

Those small acts of kindness towards others such as holding the door, helping someone carry a bag, a quick genuine hello, running an errand for someone, checking in on a sad friend or a lonely family member, or as simply as complimenting someone, show the measure of a person in terms of personal integrity, values and morals. 

And they are not to be broadcast. For to be a truly good person, you do these acts not for the accolades but for the intrinsic value to yourself and obviously for the gesture of good will unto others. 

I will continue to strive for that. And that is my New Years' wish for everyone else. At the very least, practice small acts of kindness without reward. 

"A humble man does not seek reward for a generous gesture."   

-Me

"The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."  

-Jack London