Chaos, Death, and Dearest Friends

"Mountains Ahead" 

Two friends passed away this just this week. It seems to become the norm that close friends pass away more often. Is it because I am older? Perhaps. Should we get used to it? No... and it doesn't get any easier. I yearn to write about them and all of our shared pain when someone passes. Usually I'm a very optimistic and happy fellow and perhaps my almost 50 + year wisdom pushes me to share my emotions with you all so that we can all commiserate on the pain and sorrow of death together.

But  before I get into the explanations of it all I just wanna say, death just sucks!

I feel like I have wrote about this topic a lot in the last couple years. Maybe it's just that I am still trying to make sense of it all. I get very sad but feel I have accepted the chaos. Chaos seems to become the norm when it comes to death. It's upsetting and unsettling. I don't know what to make of it. How to understand... I don't know. I just know that after my 49 almost 50 years, I just cannot try and make sense of it any more. I accept it.

When I'm driving home from work, I'm driving West and the sun is setting behind the clouds. Huge dark gray and magnificent. These clouds look like mountains from afar. I imagine I'm driving West, waiting to discover new tales and adventures of my life. How I long to be able to just drive West towards the mountains whether they be clouds or real. I look at those clouds and imagine that they must make up Heaven.

Heaven must be an awesome incredible space which goes on and on and on for eternity and infinity. All of my deceased family and friends live amongst those clouds, perhaps looking down upon me wondering why I'm making sometimes ridiculous decisions. Hopefully some of them look down on me and say "You know what Marc, you're not doing such a bad job of it all."

I am sad though this week for I've lost 5 close friends in the last 4 months. One of them was relatively new, her name ANN, but she made an impact on me that I won't forget. She reminded me of my mother, her spunk and witty responses made me chuckle. Close friends Cynthia, Angie, and Danny we're all from my Philly years. Tina, my beloved step-bro Scott's wife.

I have to tell you though that the closeness which I maintained with each of them was incredible. People diss social media but that same social media kept me close with each of them and kept our memories of our incredible 1990s alive!

I mourn though for my friends. Nothing seems fair. But it shouldn't. With each of them and others who pass, we need get angry, get upset and mourn! They are worth it.

ANGIE, with her larger-than-life LOYAL personality with her Philadelphia sized smile which stretched from river to river! She had a deep hearty laugh which made you laugh along with her. DANNY, who's devilish grin and sarcastic comebacks kept me in stitches. He was my fellow bad boy of the night. I'm surprised that we remember as much time together as we can. And my dear dear little sister CYNTHIA. Beautifully optimistic beaming Cynthia who never let you down. And she always got back to you with a message and a smile and a signature sunflower no matter when you reached out. And Miss "Proper" TINA! Tina whose personality was as cheerful and beautiful as a spring English garden. She was the "Proper" English rose in my life. But even being the "Proper" English rose in my life, Tina had the wisdom of a hundred men and women more than 100 years old.

I've stopped asking why they have passed and have accepted the chaos, emotions and sadness that the death of close friends cause. I have realized through age and wisdom that God is not there to stop someone's passing. God is there to comfort you through it. That is His gift.

As I continue looking to the clouds, the sun sets deeper behind them. They become darker and more foreboding, like actual mountains but layered with those answers which I seek. I'm also put forth more questions about life and our purpose here but the answers are not so forthright. They are not easy. It seems that God makes me work for my answer. I stumble, grow frustrated at life, at God, my existence. Why is this SO HARD? I am so frustrated sometimes.

 As soon as I begin to make out the details of the clouds, perhaps the pending answers, the darkness of the evening begins to blur my clouds into a haze. It appears that my answer won't come so easy from these clouds. My answers will come must come from within, from wisdom.

And when Friends ask, why do those closest to us pass? I may now say, that it, very sadly, just is. God is not the one to ask why someone dies, God in Heaven is the one to turn to help get through the pain of it all. Making sense of it may not happen.