Heartache, Heartbreak and Loss
The year 2020 surely sucked with all of these. 2021 began not much better. I contracted Covid-19 in February. I survived but not without post Covid symptoms. Max the Cat passed away after a 4 1/2 month struggle with cancer. In these last two years, too many people passed away from Covid or other illnesses. Too many of our pets passed away as well.
I once mentioned before that my mother kept a paperback in her personal collection titled When Bad Things Happen to Good People by Rabbi Harold Kushner. Anybody remember that one? She swore by it, well at least the title. I am still not convinced that she actually read it. It gathered a lot of dust as years went by. She was big on the self-help paperbacks in the 80s.
We often ask God why he lets bad things happen. How could a fair, just and good God let children die so young or let a beloved pet pass away suddenly? Rabbi Kushner discusses that God is not there to prevent tragedy. God has no control over that. Our world, although ordered, is still chaotic and can be unkind. God is there to help give you strength to get through it. He can be your support and be there to help you make sense of the chaos and cruelty of it all. And if he cannot help you make sense of it, he is still there as that proverbial shoulder to cry on, lean on for strength, be it in public or in private. Atheists may scoff at above. That is their choice. I am not overtly religious these days but I really like this manner of thinking. I say each to their own. Just don’t diss someone's view on it.
At 50 approaching 51, I still try to make sense of it all. If you are not sociopathic, the normal response to "bad things happening" is a tremendous out-pouring of grief and emotion. We cry, we sob. Break down into tears. Sometimes collapsing in tears onto the bed or alone in the shower. I am a shower-thinker, haha, so you can guess where I shed my tears.
This emotional outpouring can be released when you smell a familiar scent of perfume or cologne, hear a favorite song on the radio, or come across a forgotten favorite photo. It can be slowly built up or it can occur unexpectantly. Remember that it is human nature to react and for some of us, react in a very big way.
I look at my close friends who don’t react like I do and have to remember that we are all individuals who react in our own personal way. Those with brick walls still need love and compassion during loss even if they do not outwardly grieve or sob. One needs to realize that they may grieve in private and do not wish to let their guard down in public. Respect that, give them their space and just don't push them. But if you are one of those people, I wound not recommend letting it get bottled up. Seek some type of outlet for your grief whether it be exercise or something constructive such as throwing yourself into a home project.
When that tough friend or spouse is hurting but has their brick walls up, perhaps just wait in the wings and be there as a comforting presence for them. Sometimes that is all they need and it can be the most meaningful support for them. We don’t all experience life’s tragedies in the same manner. A hug can go a long way. Or it may be just stating, “I know your hurting and I’m here for you when you need it.”
Our release of emotion can be very cathartic. It helps us to “soldier" on.” It makes us stronger, builds character and instills wisdom. Unfortunately, it does not mean that it will prevent us from suffering again in the future but it may help us in the long run, putting bad experiences into perspective.
In addition, I believe that heartache and heartbreak do not go away. Time lessens the pain but the memories remain. For if they completely went away, how would we learn and gain wisdom from the experience? Ignorance and naivety to loss is not how one grows. Unfortunately, it is a necessary part of life. How we react to and learn from it is how to better deal with it again in the future.
I am dedicating this blog to my mother who passed away 12 years ago on April 10th. I also dedicate this to the best cat in the world, Max, who passed away on March 29th. Both will always be greatly missed. I also dedicate this to my dear friend Jack Ross who passed last year. I have a feeling he would've really liked this one.
Bloggers Note: I normally type God in the Jewish manner of G-d as a sign of respect for our Lord. For this blogpost, I have reverted to the familiar God for public reading. In addition, I also completely respect people that feel God may be a woman but revert to the traditional view of God as a man. Lastly, I'm not a therapist. I am just one man who is sharing his views and experiences! 😉
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