Broadway and Food Poisoning Don't Mix!

Marc and Sheryl, Partners in Crime!

Back in 2010, my sister Sheryl surprised me with tickets to see a the New York City Broadway show "All About Me" starring the internationally famed drag queen Dame Edna and Broadway legend Michael Feinstein. We took an evening bus from Philly and we off for the Big Apple! Sher had arranged for us to stay at an upscale modern hotel across from the Port Authority bus terminal. It was a quick overnight stay followed up by brunch at the famous Broadway restaurant Joe Allen, the show itself and then perhaps a cocktail before taking the bus back to Philly. 

We arrived late in the evening delayed by the constant traffic on the NJ Turnpike. Luckily, the hotel was right across the street from the bus terminal. The small lobby, though normal size by NYC standards, was clean and sleek. 

Our room had the view of the terminal but no worries as this contemporary room had the most comfortable beds ever! The bathroom was kinda too modern. It was a mixture of stainless steel, glass, chrome and marble. A little disconcerting to this guy who hates bathroom sounds. Again, no worries, what could possible go wrong? If my paranoia really flared up, I could just run the water while  doing my business. HAHAHA. But seriously, if you dropped a Q-tip, it would sound like someone dropped a hammer in a metal pan! 

We were eager to get out for a couple hours, explore the area for a drink or two, and grab a quick bite to eat. We were SO hunger. Walking through the lobby, we passed by some questionably attired women in various colors of sequins, shiny lame', and Lucite heels. Did we accidently book a hooker hotel? Were these officially Ladies of the Night? All that was missing was the pimp in his traditional multi-colored suit with a peacock bedecked wide brim hat. We tried not to overthink their over-the-top gaudy attire and continued on our way. 

Sheryl and I headed out to Hell's Kitchen in search of a snack first, then a cocktail or two. We hit a local corner Bodega and grabbed a couple sandwiches from the deli case and wolfed them down in a typical New York minute. I think Sher grabbed a veggie panini. Myself, for some reason was drawn to a roast beef sub with mayo which, now thinking about it in retrospect, had probably been sitting in the deli case probably since 9 am. NOT a good choice as you will later see. Sometimes my lack of common sense astounds me. 

Rounding midnight, we charged up 9th Avenue. The weekend crowds were out. It was a bit chilly, but that didn't dissuade people from enjoying the NYC magic! We settled on the legendary Ritz Bar and Lounge and headed to the back dance room to get into the groove. It was so energetic! People dancing everywhere on platforms. with elbows and bodies knocking into each other, Sheryl and I were able to secure an area on one of platforms to dance with the youngsters. 

One annoyingly pompous young hipster couple thought, for some reason, that we were society reporters from out of town. We convinced them to do ridiculous poses for us while taking fake cell phone pics. They gave me their name and number, which of course I never actually took down. "Oh I'll txt you when they go to print!" "FABULOUS" they responded. Sher and I rolled our eyes and laughed about it the rest of the evening. 

After sweating pounds off dancing, we headed back to the hotel room for a good night's sleep before brunch the next morning at the Joe Allen Restaurant before the show. Sometime in the middle of the night, I woke up with a terrible headache and chills. It felt like sometime hit me in the head with a mallet. Then the stomach gurgling started. Then waves of nausea. I found myself running for the bathroom in fear. No No NO! I couldn't be getting sick, but from what? What did I eat? OMG the sketchy roast beef sandwich with the mayo! NOOOO! 

I entered the bathroom of metallic doom. A cacophony of sounds greeted me. Oh NO. Not here! I can't, I just can't! I held it in my gut as long as I could before the inevitable happened. I heaved my hastily ate 11pm dinner into the toilet. Sweat beading on my brow, chills all over, shaking uncontrollably. Every sound amplified by 100 times by that damn cold modern bathroom. The sickness just kept coming and coming. How could it keep coming? By now my gut was empty and I finally collapsed on the cold marble floor hugging the toilet. But then I realized I was only half way through ...

By this time, Sheryl had awoken and dragged herself outta of that incredibly comfy fluffy bed to check on me. "Are you alright honey? Was it the sandwich?"

"Yes," I croaked, hoarse from retching, "that sandwich. I'm so stupid!"

"Can I get you anything?" she asked. 

"No, I'm just gonna be in here for a bit..."

Just then I felt it. I thought, "No No NO!" I didn't want it to happen. There was no way I could stop it. I prayed to no avail, "Please don't let it happen!" I crawled myself back on the toilet and the evil gods of food poisoning cursed me with an explosion. But it wasn't about to stop, no way, no sir! I grabbed the metal, YES METAL, trashcan and began retching into that while releasing more hell from my other end. 

It was a horror show of sounds and other things of which you need no further description. Sheryl being the doting, loving sister, stayed by the door and kept asking after me. 

"Please please don't listen. This is bad, very bad. OMG it's so loud in this bathroom," I weakly cried. Every sound was amplified like you were at a doctor's or dentist's office. I caught a glimpse of myself in one of the many chrome surfaces. Staring back at me was a broken roast beef shell of a man, clammy, pale like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. 

I finally cleaned myself up and crawled back into bed, feeling as weak as crumbled leaf. I dont know how much I slept but thankfully was feeling better by morning, at least enough so that I could go to brunch and the show. I know what was on Sheryl's mind and I voiced it, let's just take it hour by hour. I'll get something light at the restaurant and then we'll see how the show goes. Maybe I'll rest in the lobby. 

Joe Allen Restaurant

We made it to the restaurant and one of Sheryl's friends joined us. Joe Allen is such a famous place. It was very crowded as everyone was there for the before matinee brunch. And we were smack dab in the middle of the entire restaurant, surrounded by the cackling conversations of people excited to go to the theater! It was a bit overwhelming for me. We ordered and I opted for a large fresh veggie omlette. It arrived and I took one look at it and made a beeline for the bathroom.

By bathroom, I mean a very tiny unisex bathroom wedged under the stairs. I've been in a bigger bathroom on a Jet Blue flight. Wave after wave of nausea again hit me. As soon as I began to calm down, a woman with a distinctly older voice knocked on the door, "Anyone in there?" I said, again in a weak voice, yes, I'll be a minute."

"OK," she responded. 

A minute later, she rapped the door again with her hardened knuckles, "HELLO? Someone is out here!"

Oh My God, I thought to myself before yelling, "Go away Gladys, I'M NOT DONE YET!"

I vaguely remember her exclaiming, "WELL!" I think I heard the sound of a walker moving away. 

I finished up going through waves of nausea and after 10 minutes holed up in a 2 foot by 2 foot bathroom, I resumed brunch. Sheryl and her friend were of course overly concerned. I noticed a senior citizen also giving me side-eye from across the room. I just knew it was Gladys from the bathroom. I finished the omlette, and by finish, I mean I struggled and got down 3 or 4 bites. We were then off to the Henry Miller Theater for the show!

Henry Miller (now Stephen Sondheim) Theater

I was actually feeling a bit better by this time. The nausea had stopped and the sudden flashes of migraine pain were happening less frequently. Sheryl put me on the end seat should I need to excite the theater row in a flash. She told me to close my eyes until the show started. God bless her, always looking out for me. 

The theater itself was spectacular with its imposing Federal brick edifice and luxurious interior. It absolutely screamed "Broadway!" The show was just great and I was able to completely enjoy it with no vomitus interruptus mishaps. Michael Feinstein and Dame Edna were hilarious. It was well worth the pre-suffering to be able to see it. Afterwards, we hit the backstage alley and Sheryl got autographs from the two leads. Late afternoon drinks at the famed Sardi's rounded out the day followed by a long bus ride back to Philly. I seem to remember the bus breaking down for a bit. It became fuzzy after the show as I slept most of the way back home. 

So what were the take aways from this fast-paced overnight trip to the Big Apple? Never EVER pick the deli case roast beef sandwich which has been obviously sitting out the entire day. Be a true New Yorker and grab a slice of pizza to go from Ray's! And never pick a hotel with an extremely modern theme. You may end up tossing your cookies in a chrome, steel, and marble bathroom and wake up the entire hotel.

Bloggers Note: This blog is dedicated to my good friend Becky who allowed me to cancel happy hour with her so that I could get it completed. Thanks Becky! 😉

In addition, the pics of Joe Allen Restaurant and the Stephen Sondheim theater are not my pics and were found in a general Google search.

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