Reflections on Mom
In the last couple weeks, two close friends have each lost one of their parents and I deeply hurt for them. When a friend loses their parent or family member, it invariably brings up memories of your own loss. I don't write about it much anymore but I wanted to share some thoughts since my Mom's passing three years ago.
When my Mom died, I just wished so hard that I could hug her once more, speak with her, just have one more day with her. Something real. But there was no tangible way that this could happen. But I was desperate with a way to connect with her. I truly thought I would go mad at one point from depression and sadness. I had dreamed of her several times and it felt so real to me as if she were truly next to me. I haven’t dreamt of her much lately. It is more and more infrequent. Although I still think of her several times during the course of each day. I see her views and beliefs in my own choices. That is how I connect with her now.
I guess each of us that have lost a parent go through grieving in similar yet different ways. I was very open with my feelings when Mom died but really didn't go into too much depth about feeling depressed. I didn't want to seem like I was losing it. I eventually realized that she lives on in me and is very much still present in my life. I laugh and smile about her a lot, but it is tinged with sadness. I am resigned that I will never talk with her again and that part just sucks.
As I write this, I stop and take a break, just staring at my words on the computer screen. I will never talk with her again. It has taken me over 3 years for this to really sink in. I hate it and want to delete this entire damn blog post but I don’t. Death of a loved one completely exhausts you. It is such an emotional roller coaster It makes you angry and sad but in certain circumstances, it also gives you relief. I knew that Mom’s last wish of passing away at home was fulfilled. She just wanted to go home. And we gave that to her. Mom had been suffering such a long time. Months of up and down health. I feel she is at peace now watching over her kids.
I also have questions which will never be answered. I don’t even ask them anymore because the emotional turmoil they cause is just too great a price to pay. You still think about that person’s death, and it still hurts as much, but you become better able at dealing with it. I feel now that she would have wanted me to move on, do great things with my life, and enjoy the ride. I am starting to, but it still sucks the big one.
When my Mom died, I just wished so hard that I could hug her once more, speak with her, just have one more day with her. Something real. But there was no tangible way that this could happen. But I was desperate with a way to connect with her. I truly thought I would go mad at one point from depression and sadness. I had dreamed of her several times and it felt so real to me as if she were truly next to me. I haven’t dreamt of her much lately. It is more and more infrequent. Although I still think of her several times during the course of each day. I see her views and beliefs in my own choices. That is how I connect with her now.
I guess each of us that have lost a parent go through grieving in similar yet different ways. I was very open with my feelings when Mom died but really didn't go into too much depth about feeling depressed. I didn't want to seem like I was losing it. I eventually realized that she lives on in me and is very much still present in my life. I laugh and smile about her a lot, but it is tinged with sadness. I am resigned that I will never talk with her again and that part just sucks.
As I write this, I stop and take a break, just staring at my words on the computer screen. I will never talk with her again. It has taken me over 3 years for this to really sink in. I hate it and want to delete this entire damn blog post but I don’t. Death of a loved one completely exhausts you. It is such an emotional roller coaster It makes you angry and sad but in certain circumstances, it also gives you relief. I knew that Mom’s last wish of passing away at home was fulfilled. She just wanted to go home. And we gave that to her. Mom had been suffering such a long time. Months of up and down health. I feel she is at peace now watching over her kids.
I also have questions which will never be answered. I don’t even ask them anymore because the emotional turmoil they cause is just too great a price to pay. You still think about that person’s death, and it still hurts as much, but you become better able at dealing with it. I feel now that she would have wanted me to move on, do great things with my life, and enjoy the ride. I am starting to, but it still sucks the big one.
Marc, I lost my Mother in 2007 (almost 6 years ago). Your Post here is so how most of us feel during this event in our lives. It really and tearfully does (in your words) sucks the big one. Thank you for your post on this subject.
ReplyDeleteSkip
Marc... thanks for posting this. I lost my mother, my sister and my wife in a span of two years... and I think about them a lot...and laugh a lot...it's just that they are not here to share the laughter... the pain of that loss never really goes away... but life has a way of pushing the pain aside for a while, yet it's still there. It's the memories that remain with us and sustain us.
ReplyDeleteJack
Marc your post was spot-on..,although people tell you it gets better with time, it doesn't. It makes us miss our moms more each day. What powerful women they are that they come into our thoughts without fail every day of our lives. How I too, wish I could laugh with, hug,shop, visit, talk and just be with my mom again. I agree with you that they live on in us. I find myself reacting the sane way my mom wuld have to many things, A friend gave me a placque one day as a gift that said "it's official I have become my mother!" That placque hangs with pride in my home.
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