Demons within Ourselves

A bit ago, I was discussing a mutual acquaintance with someone and we talked about the very real issue of addiction among people we know. This acquaintance starts a job and then cannot follow through without whatever pain killer he takes. It eventually affects his ability to work and he just quits, unable to handle it. It was a sobering conversation. It was frank and uncomfortable. 

The following blog is just my thoughts on the subject of addiction. At this juncture in my life, I am not looking for advice. Comments are always welcome. 

I have complicated issues with alcohol. I've recently been pretty open about them. I don't look for sympathy from people. It is my own cross to bear. I will always have to watch what I drink. Something switches in me and I eventually become angry. I don't drink in the morning. I don't drink every day or night. I don't pass out from it at night. My issues stem from binge drinking so I have stopped doing the "shot" thing. No more shots.

Some people are warm and fuzzy when they drink, some are silly. Me ... nope. One tiny thing will set me off and I start to go for the jugular. Hence, as I stated, I now watch my alcohol consumption very carefully. It will always be something to watch and I have finally accepted that these last couple years. 

Down the road, I realize that I may give up alcohol permanently and I understand that. For now, I can have my couple beers and be cool with that. A glass of wine or two is cool. One martini, fine. Nothing more though. I have learned about my limits. I still enjoy drinking a beer during the evening so I have a case of Bud Zero and Heineken 00 n/a beer chilled to satisfy my evening tastes. 

You see, my real biological father, Joseph Kosco, was an addict. Back in the 60s and 70s, he abused alcohol and heroin. After the early 70s, contact with him thankfully stopped. It took me years to accept the fact that I may carry those genetics and have to be wary of them. So now I am. 

During my "roaring" twenties in Philly, I tried everything under the sun. Name it and I tried or actively used it from age 21 to 30. I am 51 now and proud to say I survived. I am sometimes amazed that I did. There were definitely a lot of fun times but I look back at those past behaviors and I completely shudder. How did I let myself, a fairly (LOL) intelligent person, get into that? Whelp, there are specific reasons. I'll save them for the memoir. 

Let's just say I am proud that I was able to walk away and give up using hard drugs. And yes, I did lose friends from it. It was worth it. But many of us who no longer "party", have come back into each other's lives and our friendships are stronger from it. 

I see former friends who still use. Its sad.  A 40 something or 50 something drug addict or alcoholic is not a fun look.  I see those acquaintances barely function or hold down a job because they cannot get through their day without taking a drink, a myriad of pills or snorting coke or meth. Or they drink themselves into a stupor not just once or twice a week but every night.

Listen, I am not against drinking alcohol or smoking pot. That's a person's choice. Do whatcha wanna do within reason. As they say, everything in moderation!

I was extremely lucky when I decided to stop "partying" back over 2000. It was a choice. It was not easy. I was able to do it without a program. I do NOT recommend that for anyone else. There are so many programs which help tremendously. I applaud those that seek out help. My sober friends are awesome. For me, there definitely were setbacks. And to all those naysayers (and you and I know who you are), I acknowledge my setbacks. But I got back on that horse and kept riding. 

Eventually, I got there to where I only drink and smoke my cigars. I will be damned if I let that ruin what I've worked so hard for. I have learned though, that demon is always there in the dark recesses staring at me. And I always have to there to stare him down.