Focused at Fifty

Marc and baby Cassie This has been a year in the making. I am now a MAINER, driver’s license and all. I moved up to Maine in October of 2023, eight months ago. I love it. It’s been an emotional and physical journey. That’s a normal thing moving and it’s has been the most difficult thing the myself and the Big Ragu have experienced to date. We are getting through it though! I love my new state. My rambling Victorian farmhouse is incredible, just beautiful. 15 Gardiner St, the former Gardiner family home, has become a HOME in every sense of the world. I feel comfortable and relaxed here. Long days are ended by a cocktail on the long side porch with a nice cigar and a side of bug spray. LOL I have had trials and tribulations during the first 8 months here. I’ve stepped on local toes (given apologies where warranted), bought bud lite (given looks and I’ve said I don’t give a fuck where it’s warranted), accidently insulted the French Acadians of Northern Maine (apologized at my acceptab...

"Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann, 1948 Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all...

Photo by Pixabay: https://www.pexels.com/photo/green-tree-268533/ Aimless. I feel like I am adrift. Like a twig or stick thrown by a young child into that rushing torrent of a stream. The stick, being tossed to and fro in the froth of the current, still moves forward yet occasionally being stuck on a rock or a log across the stream. Eventually it is tossed free and continuing down the same path of life.  I sometimes feel that I am moving on a rather tedious day to day journey. Getting up, commuting, working, commuting, going to bed, rinse and repeat ... like a bad 80s shampoo commercial. Breck, Pert, Prell, name your choice. Hahaha. 😛 After all, it was Tony Soprano from the series, “The Sopranos”   who made a disturbingly accurate statement about life: “It’s all a series of distractions until you die." Well if that isn’t depressing, then I don’t know what is. I have always been very motivated with my writing, but not so much as of late. And it gets me very sad. Just no moti...

The Grand Canyon of Potholes. Thanks PENNDOT!  Guess what? I had an incredible crappy week! It just sucked. To start off, it was the anniversary of my Mom's death. I used to say "passing" but why? To save people from uncomfortable feelings? To be polite? I'm just so done with that. She died in 2009. She is dead. And it still fucking sucks. And so here I am. For a good week each year, I suffer and deal with it.  Life goes on. Yes, it does. I still hurt but I've learned to encapsulate it so the pain doesn't prevent me from moving on. That's the key, right? The pain doesn't go away. We just learn how to deal with it on a day to day basis. I think that's OK. I don't ever wanna get over the pain.  I was supposed to go to Maine this weekend and that got screwed up. A car failed to see I was in their blind spot and moved over into my lane on an extremely busy highway. I in turn, drove over the white fog line in a defensive measure and crashed over a p...

I have had writer's block as of late. My ideas have not flowed. My mind has been on other things these last couple months including family and home. This morning though, I decided to really learn about what's happening in Ukraine. I spent the morning going through the many articles and photos of Ukraine's invasion by Russia to get a complete understanding on the horrors of which are happening. I hit the major news outlets, liberal and conservative, and everything in between. After two hours of reading, listening and viewing, I felt compelled to write some thoughts about it and the state of our world and society. Our own small worlds will continue for now with the major disruption being higher priced goods and at the pump. And let's face it, it will not dissipate anytime soon. I am very angry and upset about the rising gas prices.  I am continuously making adjustments to my budget as I commute an hour a day each way to work. I am feeling the pinch as most of us are. Luck...

"Mt. Katahdin seen from Mt. Chase, Maine" What is my purpose in this life? What is your purpose? Have you figured it out? I surely have not. It worries me; this nagging in the back of my mind. What was I supposed to do on this Earth? What is my destiny? What is my calling? I feel sometimes like I am the only one wondering this. Does anyone else ask this question? Or feel as lost of I do? I am constantly busy: writing, my relationship, my friends, my family, taking care of Moxie Cat, antiques, regular work, my household, the Maine house, cataloging stuff, researching stuff. That's a lot and that sums it up but I worry that life is passing me by without making a difference for others.  What will I be known for? Will anyone truly care or remember what I have done? What is my legacy? I want to climb that mountain again and SCREAM, "Stop, Stop, STOP!!!! Stop this ticking clock from ticking till the end!" It's going too fast. Wasn't I just 25? Wasn't I jus...

"Late Fall in Maine" What a year it has been. I don't want this to be a recap per se but more of just a commentary on this and that. Great things have happened, bad things have happened. I will touch on both. I am truly blessed for what I have. Yes I have complaints but most of them are rather comical and stupid like me freaking out to my doctor about an overblow minor medical issue (I arrive with a list) or me complaining the Maine house is soo big (really Marc? STFU fool). So as usual in no particular order, here's some of the real and ridiculous stuff I have dealt with:  I am neurotic and embrace it. I am a nerd and embrace it. I will always stand by my mantra that my glass is half full. In February, I got Covid the week before I was to get my vaccine which resulted in three weeks of an odd pandemic virus whose symptoms were unlike anything I've ever experienced before.  My brain fog from the Lyme disease is now exacerbated by the Covid. Yay me. Some days reall...

There was this little tree. It grew from a concrete barricade in the middle of the road and I would pass it every morning coming off of the 78 highway in A-town. It was a desolate lonely little tree. One who glances at it may think of it more as a bush. But I know differently. I saw it from the very beginning and it was a little evergreen tree. And rising out of that cold concrete barricade, it stood as proudly as any tree ever could.  I smiled every time I saw it. It grew in a place where no little tree should grow. It grew against impossible odds, against harsh weather, harsh traffic and no soil. Starting as a small little sprout, it grew into a stubble, the then into the most perfect little which could ever grow from a stark concrete barricade. It oddly comforted me during my pandemic commute.  And then, true life happened and intervened. I drove past one morning and it had died. Was it the weather elements? The constant exhaust? The lack of water or soil? Possibly all thre...

Katahdin Woods and Water National Monument During this last trip to Maine in October, I learned a lot. I have every trip to Maine but this time, I  decided to share it with you rather than keep this incredible wealth of knowledge trapped up in my mind. I mean FASCINATING! OK, just grab yourself a beer, hopefully an IPA and pull up a chair. There are lots of weird different bugs in Maine. I can't identify them. I see them and am like, OK that's new! Something purple with fangs.... now SHOOO!!!!  There are lots of spiders. Different colors and shapes and sizes. Luckily nothing which screams "Kingdom of the Spiders". Maine potatoes are just as good if not better than Idaho potatoes. And the fields of white potato flower are just beautiful!  Goats, chickens, sheep, horses and donkeys make great field buddies together. Add cows into the mix and it's a different story. (Awwwwwkwaaarrrd) Apparently cows have attitude?  Lobster is better in pairs and definitely steamed...

I apologize for the delay on this piece. It was tough watching the videos and reliving the memories.  This 9/11 was the 20th Anniversary of the most horrific terrorist attack ever wagered against our great country. Let that sink in. It is still that horrific. Nothing before or ever after has equaled it. And with God's blessing, may nothing ever ever again.  Four close friends experienced that harrowing day first hand. All are still traumatized in their own way. I won't go into too much detail to preserve their anonymity. One is a business man who was in one of the World Trade Center buildings (not the Towers) that fateful morning and luckily was able to get out. One is a doctor who immediately helped out at the scene. One is a first responder who immediately raced to the complex to help out regardless of the danger he was putting himself in. My final friend is a former NYC business man who ran from his Wall Street office and was enveloped by the cloud of concrete dus...

"Dad Enjoying himself Reading" As streaks of rain beat across my office window, I watched the storm clouds roll by this morning. Then I noticed something interesting, the clouds were moving East to West, in the opposite direction. That's odd, I thought. They were moving rather quickly as well. Then I remembered the remnants of Hurricane Ida were moving through the area. This must be one of the bands of rains and winds passing through Allentown. I thought about my father and wished I could turn back time just as quickly as those clouds were moving East to West. How wonderful would that be, to have him younger and spry, once again ready to fight off the never ending gophers in his yard, to producing art in his studio as he once did, to be attending art events to his heart's content.   Now my Dad sits contently in his living room, listening to opera, sipping wine, stealing sips of my beer, reading articles and short stories or looking at art books. When we wen...

As a child, I remember my mother was cooking in the kitchen on the stove, slowly stirring a small saucepan of Prego tomato sauce. I stood there right next to her, watching her intently. She moved the sauce onto a green avocado hot plate and turned off the electric burner, specifically warning me not to touch it as it was still hot. Being ever so precocious, I touched it immediately and howled in pain. For a good two weeks, I had first and second degree burns on my palm in the shape of the electric stove coils. You live and learn, right? Maybe not.  A waiter delivers my food in a restaurant and warns me that the plate is very hot as she puts it down in front of me. As soon as she leaves the table, I have this overwhelming urge to test her warning and touch it! I usually do and with my calloused fingers tips from decades of waiting tables, I laugh and scoff at her warning!  The other week I was baking these incredible triple chocolate brownies. For a split second, I forgot that ...

A bit ago, I was discussing a mutual acquaintance with someone and we talked about the very real issue of addiction among people we know. This acquaintance starts a job and then cannot follow through without whatever pain killer he takes. It eventually affects his ability to work and he just quits, unable to handle it. It was a sobering conversation. It was frank and uncomfortable.  The following blog is just my thoughts on the subject of addiction. At this juncture in my life, I am not looking for advice. Comments are always welcome.  I have complicated issues with alcohol. I've recently been pretty open about them. I don't look for sympathy from people. It is my own cross to bear. I will always have to watch what I drink. Something switches in me and I eventually become angry. I don't drink in the morning. I don't drink every day or night. I don't pass out from it at night. My issues stem from binge drinking so I have stopped doing the "shot" thing. No m...

"Unabashedly Marc" The other afternoon, I passed the mirror in the hallway and glanced ever so slightly and quickly to my left. I stopped short with a fright, thinking I had seen my father or mother, but no, in that instant it was me staring back. My father's eyes. My mothers nose, her face. My real father's gray beard. Wow... it was me!  I asked myself,  When did this happen? Well it happened, I sighed. I stopped into the bathroom for a closer look and I see myself looking back at me in the mirror. And I also see my mother looking back at me. My biological father Joseph's eyes. The beard I vowed I would never grow, as I felt like I would look like the man I most despised. And yet here I was, unable to escape looking like the man I hated and happily looking like the woman I most loved (well, besides my dear Sis Sher LOL.) 😊 It was a conundrum of sorts. Left me a bit shaken and confused as to my feelings. I eventually realized that there is no out running my looks...

I have had much to ponder about this past month, my 51st birthday month. This was a month which I was dreading all year long. It had nothing to do with the crazy Covid year. I quite simply was not looking forward to turning "51".  In retrospect, I was OK turning 30, 40, or 50. It was the year after which I had issues with. I think it's because it hit me that I was now in a new decade. I was 31, 41, or this year as the case may be, 51. It hits you and you realize, whelp ... there's no turning back now!  Another decade has sprung upon me! I was up in the new home in Maine this weekend, the Gardiner House as we call it. Built by Mr. Gardiner way back when in the late 1800s, it stands proudly with the test of time as well as a throwback to a far simpler time. it is not an overtly Victorian gingerbread but just a solid large farmhouse with an attached barn just a block from the town square. There is just a little gingerbread on the main side porch, suggesting a lace doily ...

One of my favorite memories growing up is the smell of onions being sautéed by my Mom in our kitchen. The smell eventually wafted through the house. If I was coming home from school, it was the first thing which greeted me walking through the side door. At that moment, I knew dinner was gonna be good!  To this day, this has been one of my favorite parts of a recipe, dropping those onions into a shimmering pan of oil, hearing them sizzle and smelling their strong flavor. For me, it's been the first sign of an delicious meal! In my two decades in the hotel/restaurant business, I have loved walking through the grand hotel kitchen, smelling the sautéing onions by a sous-chef on a huge ass stove for an upcoming banquet.  Here is the recipe I found online for caramelized onions which I have made several times. A couple people have asked me why does it take so long? Well the easiest and most basic answer I can say is that cooking them long and slow allows the naturally sweet onions t...

Marc and Sheryl, Partners in Crime! Back in 2010, my sister Sheryl surprised me with tickets to see a the New York City Broadway show "All About Me" starring the internationally famed drag queen Dame Edna and Broadway legend Michael Feinstein. We took an evening bus from Philly and we off for the Big Apple! Sher had arranged for us to stay at an upscale modern hotel across from the Port Authority bus terminal. It was a quick overnight stay followed up by brunch at the famous Broadway restaurant Joe Allen, the show itself and then perhaps a cocktail before taking the bus back to Philly.  We arrived late in the evening delayed by the constant traffic on the NJ Turnpike. Luckily, the hotel was right across the street from the bus terminal. The small lobby, though normal size by NYC standards, was clean and sleek.  Our room had the view of the terminal but no worries as this contemporary room had the most comfortable beds ever! The bathroom was kinda too modern. It was a mixture ...